Five Minute Conversations - THANKS FOR DESSERT, DON

I'm finally back in New Jersey after a wonderful, but very hot, summer in Stonington, Connecticut; it's great to be back and see more of my husband, but always sad to have the summer end.

One of my favorite things about Stonington is Noah's Restaurant on Water Street. It's so rare to find a place where a woman alone feels comfortable sitting at the bar and having lunch. Noah's is just that place. On any weekday you can find a half dozen people to talk to or just bring a book. The food is spectacular, the staff warm and friendly and it just feels like "home".

Coming back to Mendham is always a shock because we don't really have any place that has that same "neighborhood" feel; where you can go by yourself and just talk to everyone around you, relax and have a nice lunch.

The one serious thing missing in southeastern Connecticut is a really great mall. There are no nearby large department stores except for Macy's in Waterford. Spending a summer totally mall deprived forced me to make a trip to the Short Hills Mall yesterday. I didn't even buy anything but it was nice to just breath the over processed mall air surrounded by bright and shiny new fall merchandise at Bloomingdale's, Neiman's, and Saks to name a few. If you've been living under a rock and haven't made a trip to Short Hills, I can only describe it as Fifth Avenue in New York City but under a roof. You're surrounded by so much sparkle and bling it's amazing! Handbags and jewelry and clothes, OH MY!

I decided to have lunch at my favorite mall restaurant, Joe's American Bar and Grill. For a Wednesday in September Joe's was really crowded but after exchanging pleasantries with Noreen, the manager, I found an empty seat at the bar. I began reading CURE by Robin Cook (terrible choice, see my review below) while waiting for my order. Just as my club sandwich was being delivered, a couple of young and extremely nicely dressed gentlemen were standing behind me looking for seats. With only one seat available next to me, one of them asked if I would mind sliding over a bit so that they could squeeze in another stool. I was happy to, but laughingly said it was going to be very cozy.

We quickly made the necessary adjustments and the gentleman closest to me offered to buy me a drink to thank me. Although I declined, we started talking. His name was Don and he and his lunch mate are financial analysts for New York Life. We discovered that we had both grown up in Newark, NJ; he attended Weequahic High School while I had attended West Side High, albeit many years apart. We talked about different stores and places that used to be in Newark. He currently lives in Madison and summers on Martha's Vineyard. I gave him one of my blog bookmarks and, promising to visit my blog, he turned back to his co-worker and I went back to my book. I couldn't help but chuckle when Don placed his order because NOBODY is as picky about ordering as I am (okay, friends and family...I finally admit it!). My chicken club included swiss but no bacon with very light mayo on white toast with no onion rings; very different than the standard offered. Well, Don proceeded to order grilled chicken with grilled shrimp. He didn't want it on a Caesar salad and he and the bartender struggled but finally came up with some appropriate greens and dressing.

I had just finished eating when Don insisted he wanted to buy me dessert. I finally relented when he agreed to split it with me.....strawberry shortcake made the correct way, with a biscuit. We chatted a little more and then I paid my check. We shook hands and I left through the restaurant entrance that passes the waitstaff station. Well, Don, I hope you're reading this blog entry because there were two waitresses hopping up and down and talking about how cute you are! I think you made a couple of conquests and should definitely consider going back to Joe's for lunch again soon.

I guess if you look hard enough you can find a place that feels like it should be in your neighborhood and has good food that nice friendly people frequent. I wish Joe's was in Mendham and not a half hour away.

By the way, thanks for dessert.

Five Minute Conversations - RUBY TUESDAY

Last week I went to Ruby Tuesday’s in Ledgewood for dinner with my friends, Candace and LouAnn.

We sat at the bar for dinner and there were only a few other people at the bar. One man was watching baseball and directly across from us was a couple having drinks. I guessed they were in their late 30s or early 40s. The woman and I glanced at each other at the same time and I nodded and smiled at her. Then I turned back to the conversation we were having with each other and with the restaurant manager, who Candace and LouAnn have become friendly with. While we were waiting for our order and the three of them were talking, I decided to go outside for a cigarette. Yes, don’t ask, I still smoke.

I was only outside for a minute before the woman across from us came out as well. I greeted her with, “Hi, how are you?” She stared directly into my eyes for the longest time and then said she was miserable. She noticed my wedding ring and asked how long I’ve been married. When I told her 29 years, she said she’s been married for 18 months and she just hopes they can make it to 29 years.

Her husband had invited her to go out for a drink so they could have a “life talk”. He wouldn’t take a table so they could have privacy, and instead insisted that they sit at the bar. Interesting, because if they had taken a table, he would have been forced to look at her during their discussion, but by sitting at the bar, they were next to each other.

She told me that they live nearby and that this is a second marriage for each of them. They have no children together and she has none from her previous marriage. He, however, has five children with his former spouse including triplets. She explained that she didn’t get an engagement ring when they decided to get married since she didn’t think it was important to spend the money that way.

She was visibly shaken and said she was really afraid for her marriage. Apparently, he’s not happy even though she feels everything is fine. They both work and while money is tight because of his financial obligation to his children, they’re doing fine; or so she thought. But he wouldn’t have this discussion at home, insisting that he wanted to sit in a quiet place where they’d have no distractions.

She looked me in the eye again and told me that I had beautiful blue eyes. Maybe my blue eyes are why people talk to me so intimately despite that fact that we don't know each other and will probably never meet up again. I expressed my sympathy, wished her well and then headed back inside to my friends. She came back into the restaurant a few minutes later and I tried not to look at her while she and her husband continued their “life discussion”. But you could see that it wasn’t going very well.

I quietly explained to Candace and Lou what had happened outside and they were both shocked that I got that much information from a compete stranger in just one cigarette’s worth of time.

We continued on with our meal and I couldn’t help but think of something my friend Sue said to me once. She said that we’re each the star in our own movie. It always stuck with me because we see things from our own point of view and have different thoughts going through our heads no matter where we are or who we’re with. Perhaps the reason that people approach me this way is because I’m able to turn off my own movie and watch theirs.

The couple got up to leave and the woman looked across the bar at me, gave a small nod and tried to smile as they walked away. I could only hope that her movie turned out the way she wanted it to.

Five Minute Conversations - BRETTON

Most people who know me know I’m not too interested in cooking. One day when our youngest son left for his freshman year at Washington University in St. Louis, I sat down and figured out that I had cooked or made approximately 22,000 meals since moving to my first apartment and this didn’t even include preparing school lunches, which I was pretty bad at. This is not to say I’ve lost interest in food; I’ve just lost interest in cooking it. I will occasionally make a special family meal and when we’re bored with eating out, I’ll grill a piece of chicken, add rice and broccoli and dinner is served. Pretty ironic that I wrote a small cookbook as a gift for our family and friends a few years ago! I’m lucky to have a husband who really does like to cook. But left to my own devices, I’d probably have Rice Krispies for dinner every night. This is just background so you understand why so many of my FIVE MINUTE CONVERSATIONS take place in restaurants.

My husband and I went to The Pub in Mendham for dinner one night this week. This particular restaurant has had an influx of new, younger wait staff and our waitress was one I hadn’t seen before. She seemed pleasant and friendly and midway through our dinner I asked for her name which started our five minute conversation. She told us her name and she even spelled it. Since it’s such an unusual name, I asked if it was a family name and she said, “No, it isn’t. I was adopted when I was ten days old and that was the name I came with.”

She volunteered that she loves her parents and that she recently started chatting with her birth mother on Facebook. She doesn’t feel the need for much more contact than that and apparently neither does her birth mother for now who has a family and children who don’t know about her. Her birth mother got pregnant when she was only 17 years old; in fact our waitress said she has a photo of her birth mother at her high school prom which shows her looking very pregnant in her prom dress. She did say that when she herself turned 17, she vowed that she was NOT going to get pregnant at such a young age so that she didn’t have to face the difficult decision her birth mother had faced.

Our waitress said she doesn’t know if she will ever have any actual contact other than internet chat with her birth mother, and she’s just fine with it the way it is. She talked about how much she loves her Mom. The wonderful part about her adoption is how confident and matter-of-fact she is about being adopted. Her adoptive parents must be very special people to have given her such a secure base and helped her to grow up to be such a happy, friendly 21 year old. The only sad part is that her birth mother doesn’t get to spend her life with such a charming young lady.

When George and I ordered a dessert to share, our young waitress said dessert would be her treat and sure enough, despite our protests, our check showed up without a charge for our chocolate cake. Of course, we left her a large enough tip to cover what she would have to pay, but it was so nice of her to even suggest that she’d cover our dessert.

As I always try to do before writing about people, I asked her if she minded if I wrote about her on my blog and that I wouldn’t use her real name. She was delighted that I asked her and said to go right ahead and to use her name. BRETTON, you have such a cool name and it was so nice to meet you!

Five Minute Conversations - CHANGES TO OUR VISA CARDS

I have a Visa credit card connected to a department store account. My Visa expires on April 30, 2010 and the new card arrived this week with an expiration date of October 31, 2010. My first thought was, “What’s up with that?”

Of course, I had to call the number on the back of the card to activate the new card and I starting chatting with the young man who answered the phone about the expiration date. According to him, all Visa cards linked to his department store were just released with this short expiration date and almost every Visa card will expire on October 31, 2010. While we were talking, I checked the other Visa in my wallet which is connected to a very large bank, and sure enough, the card expires in October.

The young man went on to explain the reasons for the short expiration dates. Apparently Visa (and he thought Mastercard, too) will be making changes to everyone’s accounts at the end of 2010. They are required by law to allow 45 days’ notice for any changes. He explained some of the changes that we will see in our accounts.

Not surprising, the interest rate will probably change, and it won’t be going down. Additionally, just like the old days as people over the age of 50 will remember, Visa cards will once again have a yearly “user fee” similar to American Express cards. But wait, there’s more! Visa will be examining our use of the cards and may be cancelling cards held by people who pay off their balance in full every month.

I’m purposely not mentioning the name of the store my Visa is linked to because I really don’t think this young man was supposed to give me quite this much information. But, as my husband says, I can get the life story out of a rock, so we kept on chatting.

Visa has started to follow our purchasing trends....not a surprise. But if you currently have a Gap Visa card for example, Visa will report to Gap if you’re primarily using your card at their competitors’ stores. Since Gap is the one contracting with Visa for you to use this Visa card, most likely Gap is going to cancel your card if you are not using it in a “Gap” kind of way.

Just think, as you’re going about your daily life, sleeping and working and playing and eating, someone out there is not only watching what and how you do it, but is figuring out new ways to ensure that you pony up another little “user fee” for the privilege.

My advice? Check your Visa expiration dates and check your mail for your new Visa account CHANGES later this year. Change is not always a good thing.

Five Minute Conversations - I LOVE NEW YORK!

My husband and I were in NYC yesterday with our family to see the new Christopher Walken play, A BEHANDING IN SPOKANE. Very politically incorrect, but a perfect vehicle for Walken with its very dark but funny theme. Because we were in town for a play and dinner and it was a Saturday night, we were dressed much nicer than usual and this may explain what occurred during our cab ride.

After dinner, our sons and our daughter-in-law took off to find more youthful entertainment and George and I hailed a cab to go across the park to the east side. Our cab driver was a very pleasant man with a heavy accent who spoke in broken English. As the cab turned onto West 64th Street, we saw long lines of people reaching all the way up the block. I asked the cabbie what the crowd was lined up for and he said he didn’t know but that he’d pull over so I could ask someone. He pulled to the curb and I rolled down the window to ask the nearest person but I couldn’t understand what the guy said. I stuck my head back into the taxi and as the driver pulled away from the curb, he asked me what the crowd was doing. I explained that I had no idea and he asked me to try again.

We drove a little further down 64th Street and then the driver stopped so I could open the window and ask someone else. A young man came over to the cab and said they were all waiting to get in to see a play called “Art in Soho” and that the line was so long because the play was free. As you can imagine, it’s pretty hard to find something free on a Saturday night in New York City! Then the young man handed me a newspaper that I didn’t even look at and asked if I’d like a copy. I said, “Sure, thank you.” He held on to the paper and explained that he usually got a dollar donation. I hunted around in my purse and didn’t have any singles and neither did my husband. As I started to tell the gentleman that I wouldn’t be able to take his paper, the cabbie’s hand snaked through the partly opened plexiglass divider waving a dollar bill. I laughed out loud at the absurdity of having a cab driver give ME money, took the dollar and handed it to the young man.

As we started to pull away, I put the newspaper through the opening from the backseat to give to the driver. He looked at it and said, “I’m not a socialist”, and handed it back to me. I looked at it and realized he or we had just purchased the Socialist Worker newspaper. I laughed and explained that we weren’t socialists either which elicited a big grin from our driver.

Since our relationship with the cabbie was warming up and since he wasn't on his cell phone carrying on a long winded conversation in Farsi, I asked where he was from. He replied that he was from Bangladesh. I said, “Very nice, one of our sons recently dated a young lady from Bangladesh.” That was all I needed to say!

Our driver asked if we lived in New York and we replied that no, we live in New Jersey. He said, “I know you are very important people.” He turned around to my husband and said, “You look like Ronald Reagan.” My husband responded, “If I’m Ronald Reagan, where’s my horse?” I’m sure the cabbie couldn’t hear George through the plexiglass. The driver then turned to me and said, “And you, you’re much prettier than Hillary Clinton!” At this point, George and I were cracking up. We explained to our cabbie that we weren’t famous, just average people. He said, “No, I know you, you are famous!”

We had reached the east side at 65th and Fifth Avenue and we told the driver he could let us out on the corner. My husband didn’t have money handy so we got out of the cab and walked to the driver’s window to hand him the fare. With a big smile on his face, the cabbie said, “No, you are very important, you should go to Hollywood, I can’t take your money, it was my honor to drive you!” We were both laughing and trying to tell him that we wanted to pay the fare as he’s trying to drive away. My husband finally managed to get money into the cab window as the cab was rolling (including a very large tip to cover the Socialist Worker) and we said goodnight to the driver.

Only in New York!

Five Minute Conversations - JURY DUTY

I received my notice for jury duty and reported as required in the Spring of 2009 at the Morris County Courthouse, Morristown, NJ. Never having served before, I was really surprised at what a debilitatingly boring day it actually is. You enter the jury assembly room and sit. And sit. For hours. Occasionally someone from the County will come into the room and update the group about ongoing case negotiations, but for the most part you just sit with approximately 100 strangers, from 8:30 am until 4:30 pm with an hour break for lunch. By 10:30 am, the group starts to chatter from sheer boredom. Most conversations deal with “where are you from”, “is it your first time”, or everyone’s version of “how much I hate being here”.

At about 11:00 am I decided to go outside for a break. They’ve set it up so you don’t have to go back through security; you just go outside through a door in the jury room and enter a little fenced-in COURTyard (no pun intended). Apparently in the days when the old jail was attached to the courthouse, if you went outside you were warned about catcalls and whistles from the prisoners, but now they simply ask that you not smoke too close to the building if you're a smoker. At that moment, I was the only person in the courtyard with the exception of a Morris County employee who was taking a cigarette break. We started chatting and she told me that the county employees were informed that they’d be taking a furlough day once a month, without pay, a sign of our current economy. She was especially worried because she’s 62 years old, has been divorced for 12 years and is self-supporting. She was less worried about the loss of pay for the furlough day than she was about the effect it would have on her pension and social security since both are affected by the wages earned. She was also concerned that she’d actually have three more years of employment, which she’s counting on to support herself and supplement her savings.

I returned to the jury room and she returned to work, leaving me to ponder another of the many effects of the current recession or depression. Even people who don’t outright lose their jobs have altered lifestyles. We’ve all heard of employers making across the board 20 percent pay cuts to keep staff. A friend’s daughter in Connecticut works for a newspaper and the employees are being asked to take non-paid vacation of at least a week in duration because ad revenue is diminishing. Other employers are cutting the number of days or the number of hours their employees work in a valiant effort to retain everyone. Makes you realize we all need to be kinder to everyone we meet on a daily basis because each of us is facing some change in our life, even if it’s just that the stores we regularly shop in are no longer in existence. While our situations may be difficult, someone else’s may be worse. So, be kind and smile at strangers and try not to be stressed by the little annoyances in life.

Five Minute Conversations - MICHAEL'S BAD DAY

Michael isn't a stranger, but a waiter in a restaurant I frequent in NJ. We started chatting a couple of years ago about how he and his partner were finishing their home and how wonderful it was turning out. One day in the summer of 2009 he was upset and told me why. I asked him if he would mind if I wrote it out and this is his story.

MICHAEL'S BAD DAY

Michael couldn’t believe his eyes; everything was gone! He had just opened the front door to his house and his first thought was, “We’ve been robbed!”

When his eyes adjusted, he slowly began to realize that only certain things were gone. “Oh my God did he LEAVE ME?” he said aloud. “After 25 years together??” He, being Michael’s longtime friend and significant other, who will remain nameless since his behavior was too hurtful to even grace him with his proper name.

Michael walked around the house in shock and wonder. “That’s where the DVD player was”, he thought. “That empty space on the bookcase held all the photo albums.” Michael stepped further into the dining room and realized he was going to need a drink to contend with THIS! He knew they’d been having some minor problems, but like every couple, there were always small kinks to be worked through. But this was like getting smacked in the head with a brick! No indication, no notice, no….nothing.

“What am I going to do”, he wondered. “Our entire lives are intertwined. We own this house together.” They had just finished putting the finishing touches on the interior decorating, having invested all of their money the last few years doing landscaping, putting in a koi pond and making the outside beautiful. Just when they were reaching the point that everything would be done and they could relax and enjoy their home together, Nameless flew the coop. He’d heard about this happening to other people, but not to them; not to him. Michael always felt so secure in their relationship. In their circle of gay and straight friends, it was unusual to have such a long term commitment and Michael had always been so proud of their life together.

Walking into the kitchen to add ice to his drink, he saw it. Propped against the counter where the imported Italian restaurant quality Espresso machine used to be, there was a plain white envelope with his name on the front. “Oh, boy, I’m going to need two drinks”, Michael said aloud. Adding more ice to his glass, he walked through the kitchen to the deck carrying the envelope with him.

“Well, that’s not going to work”, Michael thought, “There’s no FUCKING CHAIR to sit on!” All of the deck furniture had disappeared!

Sitting down on the step, Michael opened the envelope and began to read the note. How could such a terrible message come in such a plain envelope? “Dear Michael”, it began. “I’m so sorry to do this but I met someone and I’ve fallen in love and I have to be with her. I’ll call you in a few days so we can discuss how to deal with selling the house and arranging to pick up the rest of my belongings. Nameless.”

Her? As in a female? HER?? “This must be a joke”, thought Michael. “This just can’t be happening.” But it was happening and Michael realized he was going to have a lot to face in the very near future, like selling the house, finding a new place he could afford on his own, getting his own life back. But for now, well, like Scarlett O’Hara, “I’m not going to think about that today, I’ll think about that tomorrow”, thought Michael as he headed back to the kitchen for that second drink.

Febrary 2010 postscript: I saw Michael the other day and he wanted me to know that Nameless was on his THIRD new girlfriend. Michael is happily engaged in a new relationship and living in his new condo.

Five Minute Conversations - GODIVA

Almost every day I find myself in short conversations or connections with absolute strangers. My family usually laughs at how I can find out so much about people in such a short period of time. We all have these connections and some impact us more than others. I started writing a few of mine down about a year ago so that I wouldn't forget how these people touched my life.

February 2009 - New York City

My husband went into the Godiva Store on Madison Avenue to pick a few choice morsels for our weekend in the City. There was a lovely young woman waiting on George when I walked into the store. He pointed out the pieces he had picked for me, none that I wanted as soon as I saw the dark chocolate Mandarin Orange Crescents! The saleslady very very patiently put back the ones George had chosen and added the crescents to the bag. Then I saw them....dark chocolate Grand Marnier truffles! Many Godiva stores don't carry them, perhaps because of the liquor content. I asked the young woman to add two to the bag. She apologized and said she couldn't because, and she pointed to the sign on the wall I hadn't noticed, truffles have to be sold in a ten count. I sure didn't want ten, just two! My husband rolled his eyes as I tried to wheedle a sample from our saleswoman. She started laughing and explained that she just couldn't, but that she had really enjoyed talking to us and that we were the first customers who had made her laugh since her brother passed away three weeks earlier. I wanted to give her a hug but the counter was too high, so I told her how sorry I was and asked what had happened. LaShaun explained that she's 28 years old and her brother, just 12 years older, had a massive heart attack. She talked about how close they had been and how very much she missed him. She started to tear up and thanked us for being so nice. As we left the store, my husband rolled his eyes at me and asked why I had to engage everyone, everywhere in conversations. Personally, I think it's my gift and I'm going to start writing down these "five minute conversations" just to remember how wonderful it is when you connect with other people. I found two Grand Marnier truffles in our little gold Godiva bag later that afternoon.